I am not a Blogger anymore---

And its KILLING me!! I cannot believe its been a little more then 2 months since I last posted! Sigh. Thats what happens when your laptops battery kicks the can and it costs $100 to replace it. :(  Broke battery + no job= no blogging. I do have good news. I had a job interview at Home Instead Senior Care. They are waiting for my background check to come in, but I feel like the job is mine once it comes in!! The interview went well and they already called my references (SIX!!) I called this past Monday and they still have no gotten it in. :( Ahhh, hurry up and wait. Its my lifes motto! LOL.

Good news, Ive finally gotten a test date for my CNA!!! Nov. 5th is the big day. Ive been studying my booty off! Im nervous and so excited at the same time!

Mikey got ALL A's and B's on his first report card! YIPEE! Im sooo proud of him!! Zachary did good too, but we have been having issues with talking and not listening at school......yeah.

Michael came down to visit the end of august until mid sept. it was like normal. we were a family. Since then, he has committed again to our marriage. When he gets out of the Army on medical retirement { Feb-June 2012} he will be coming down here and we will be back in action. I know a lot of people think im crazy or making the wrong decision but we have been through so much together. we love each other. We just need to learn to handle things differently and more maturely.

I am just about all signed up for school in January. Im just waiting on my HS transcripts making their way to the college. Sooooo once they get there, 4 weeks from that day, my financial aid should be awarded. Nov 11 is the start of registration. Im excited. I have to take a prep math class {bc I suck at Algebra} but I am on college level for my english and reading! Not bad for being out of school for almost 11 years! ;)


Looking forward to Trick or Treating on Monday nite. Haileys going to be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, Zachy is going to be The white power ranger { a tiger i think??} and Mikey is BumbleBee from Transformers! Should be fun!

Anyways, that was a super quick update. Sorry. KNow that I miss all you in blogland and i hope I still have some followers. LOL Bear with me......I will have a computer again in a few months! {Im on my brothers rite now!}

Michael and I have been talking. For hours yesterday and today. My mind is racing with so many thoughts and my heart is feeling so many feelings. He said he misses us and wants us to come home.

Part of me wants to believe him, but part of me feels like he is is just saying it. I dont know. I hadn't heard from him in 8 days. EIGHT. That is not acceptable to me. At all. Its not want I want out of a relationship, out of my marriage.


Dont get me wrong. Mchael has so many good qualities about him, but his shortcomings are big ones. I do not deserve to be lied to. I do not deserve to feel less the amazing. I do not deserve to be belittled. I know I have my faults as well. Im controlling, jealous and insecure. I know I dont make Michael feel his best either. We have a lot of work to do and things to try to address. I asked him today if when hes down here, would he be willing to go to marriage counseling. He said he would go.

My mind is going crazy. My head and my heart are in conflict. Not a good thing. He's coming down between the 26-31st. It will be a very hard and good visit at the same time. Wish me luvk folks and send prayers my way.....

Anyways, boy start school tomorrow and I am going to fill out an application at the local Humane Society. I sen in my resume but they also need an on site app filled out as well. HOPEFULLY it will go good. Lord knows Ive been trying to get a job forever!

I will keep you all posted with things as they develop.

Thanks for stopping by----

June 6th

Yes, we have a day that Michael will report to GA. Hopefully thats not breaking any OPSEC rules or anything.....

Im excited.

Michael and I just got back from a counseling session. First time I have ever been to a therapist. Overall, he was very nice. He talked soothingly. {is that even a word??} I expected to do more talking to him,but he did a lot of talking.

I am okay today with the idea of seperating. It will do us both good and allow us to both grow and learn individually.

Thats just a really quick update,Ive gotta clean the house and get lunch going before I get the boys from school.

I PROMISE I will be back soon with a real post.

Till then.........

The Paperwork is IN!

Yup, you all read that title right. The med board paperwork for Michael has been submitted. We should know in {hopefully} a week or so weather it will be a go for him to go to Fort Gordon, GA.

And us to FL.

We could be in FL by May 21. That's like REALLY soon everybody.

Im looking forward to becoming independant yet I am heartbroken and devistated at the same time. Michael said the counslor he is seeing wants to do a marriage counseling session with us, so I agreed. I dont think this is going to change anything and at this point even if he did say he wanted us to stay together, Im pretty sure Id say no. He's right. I need to gain my independance. I want to gain my independance.

I cant deny the fact that Im looking forward to the sun and beach also. Albeight, Im not exactly sure how much time Im going to have to be lounging around.....

My mom is going to look for an apartment for me on Thursday.Its the complex she stayed at when her and my dad first seperated. Ive been to her apartment while she was living there and they are super nice and affordable{thanks to it being subsidized} Its beautiful and more inportantly, safe. She knows the manager well, so hopefully she can pull a few strings and get meand the kids in.
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Zacharys teacher told me today that she thinks it would be a good idea for Z to repeat Kindergarten again. He's not reading-at all and since he is the youngest in the class,she feels his maturity and impulse control inst there yet. Cant say I disagree.I mean if he was born just 1 day later, he would not have been able to enroll this year...one day. Im not too upset about this though. I stayed back in Kinder also because I was shy.{quit laughing....I still am shy to this day} and Michael stayed back in Kinder also but then skipped 7th and 8th grade. It will benefit him greatly I believe.

On a side note, have you every seen the movie The Lazarus Project?
If not, you should. Great movie. {click the link above to see the trailer}

Ok everyone, that was a quick update. I will be back when theres more stuff to share! ;)

Moved to Tears

I just read a post by Madison over at The Shafer Family that complelty made me bust out crying...instantly. This is where I am. I am where she has been. She said a paticular thought that is exactly where I am at to the core of my being... 

I went from a relationship with God that was based on Bible stories to a relationship where I was seeking Him, where I was pursuing Him. One where I wasn't just saying rote prayers, but beseeching Him and truly getting to know Him.

I have always always believed in God. I have even felt him once in my life before. He took over my body. My soul was at peace and I felt at ease. He came to me at one of the darkest moments of mylife and gave me peace. Once is all I need. Sometimes I wish He would come to me that way again, but I know that is a selfish want. I do not need it. I know with all of my heart and soul that God is with me every step of the way through this seperation. Michael and I both need to grow as people. I mean we were 19 when we met.  We were kids! Three months later, I was pregnant and a year later he asked me to marry him.{he waited because he wanted to make sure I KNEW that he was marrying me because he was in love with me and not just because I was pregnant.} We hardly had time to get to really know each other. There have been many times{years ago} where I would threaten to leave. Onetime I actually did. I had our second child {Z} in Florida while we was stationed in WA. I couldn't take it anymore. The lonliness and heartache was just too much. So I left. And didnt return until  Zach was 4 months old.

It's been off and on that way for years. I have never left since then, but have thought about it. {as Im sure he has too}

I have anxiety and depression and low self esteem. Too much of the value that I have as a person is invested in what Michael thinks of me. And lets be honest...it's not to great right now. I know this seperation will make me get back to me. The strong, confident, less anxious, funny,happy girl that I use to be.  I need to know MY value and it cannot be based on what anyone, especially my husband thinks of me. I feel like I have let him crush my spirit. Im a fiesty girl and dont let him get away with his wise hurtful remarks. I have to say it has taken a toll on me to constantly feel like I have to defend myself.My feelings and my beliefs.

He has issues that he needs to work on as well. In my opinion, he is overly confident to the point of cockiness. He is un-emotional .......why go into it all. It doesn't even matter does it. He has issues just as I do. I am, however, very worried that his PTSD is causing him to sprial downward. I know what depression is and what it feels {and looks} like. He refuses to see it. Now my husband is not a strong believer in God. Semi, at best. I try to tellhimabout my experience with God and how He is the only one who can save him {michael} right now. He doesn't believe. And that kills me. Maybe God is showing him through this seperation that he needs to go to God. I can hope pray and believe that is the case.

I talked to Michael's mom yesterday and all I can say is that she put my soul at rest. Is that weird?? Yea, I thought so too. Only God has that power. I was surprised how content I felt after talking to her. I meanmymother-in-law and I have always been pleseant with each other but it'snot until about 3 years ago where I really felt like we clicked. We reached a common level and I grew to love her for who she is and not hw she chooses to live her life. She has the biggest heart I have ever ever seen. That's where my love gets its from. "He gets it from his mama!"

She told me that for Michael to say anything about seperation means that he is drowning and that he knows things arent good between us and that he sees no other way. That he does love me and wants this to work, but that we both need a breather.She told me to stay strong and continue on my way to becoming a RN and that things will work out how they are suppose to. She basically said the same thing that I,Michael and  my mom have been saying. I guess I just took it differently hearing it from her. Hmmmm. I dont know. She also said this:

KIM: "Put Michael aside hunny. Are you happy?"
ME: "No. I am not and I haven't been for a long time."
KIM:"Well Jen.....That in itself is enough of a reason for this seperation. If you arent happy as a person and he isn't happy as a person, they how the hell do yu think you both can make each other happy?"
ME" {dumbfounded...duh duh duh..insert DROOL here!}

It just is right. Doesn't mrean it doesnt hurt and doesnt mean Im not afraid. Cuz let me tell you.....

Im freaking petrified!!!



I haven't worked since 2003. Ive been a stay at home mama ummm FOREVER! Now I am faced with the responcibility of getting a FULLTIME job {not that being a mom isnt, but its different} GOING TO SCHOOL for my RN {somehow} finding good reliable childcare for Hailey and after school care for the boys { and trying to PAY for it} not to mention that little thing called A PLACE to LIVE!! {which isn't free ya know!} Food, gas and cothes for the kids and its just all too much for me to handle.

I like planning. Knowing the how, when, where and why's. I cant plan this and I feel like this is something that needs to be planned. Thank God for myfamily back home. I know I can rely on them and that they will help me and the kids.{ along with Michaels child support} I just dont want to live with anyone. I am almost 30 years old {ahhhhhh} and shouldnt have to be facing living with my mommy again. {not that its bad, my mom and I are BFF's....} But you guys know what I mean.......

Damn I didnt intend to bust all this out right now. LOL.Guess it needed to come out. Hopefully you all are still reading and havent given up thinking that I was going to right a mini novel or something! Bwhahahah!

On top of all this seperation stuff, my back is hurting sooooooooooo bad. I can hardly walk. I have an appt for it to be looked at {again} but this time its with my PCM {not the sub dr. lol} The good side is that Ive lost 5 lbs from being so stressed...and not feeliing like eating tonss like I normally do. LOL.

Michael went to the Dr. yesterday for his feet and she gave him a P3 on both his ankles. This basically means he will be going through the med board process. Its looking like sometimein May we will all be flying to GA and from there I will make the split with the kids to FL. God help us. Help us all through this!

Thanks for reading guys and any, any advice ot thoughts or feelings would be much appreciated....

I feel like there is no way I have 43 followers out there...

{thanks Aubrey and Selena..y'all are my BFF's......}

Till next update...... 

Seperation

Hi Folks

I write to you all this morning, heartbroken. michael and I have decided to seperate for a while.
We have had issues within our marriage for a few years now and each one of us is suffering. We both have issues we need to work through on our own before we can continue to be together. It's killing me inside. He is my love, my heart,my soul. We just have both hurt each other and are trying to "right fight" We each want the other one to see where we are coming from and that just isnt working. Michael has some 'army issues" that he is trying to work through as well. I realllly do not like the thought of this. Him and Ga and me in FL, but its what needs to happen right now. We are actually talking about things and we will be civil to each other for the kids. I mean after all, we do still love each other very much. It's not like we are forcing that.

It's just hard. Soo hard. I do have faith in our love and God so I know that in the long run this is going to be the best thing for us to nake our marriage stronger.

It just hurts like hell right now.