Hello from my new Apartment!

I am writing to you all from my new apartment!!! Yipee! Well, sort of. You must all be thinking : Wow, you must have gotten a kick a*s job to be in a place already!!!\
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Wrong.

I have an amazing Mama who is helping me out MUCHO! She tells me that its ok because when shes old and needs someone to change her depends, IM her lady! Bwhahahaha!! Thats the least I would and will do for her! Im PUMPED and the place is beautiful. 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom...its perfect. My dad and his GF have given me a nice futon, some dishes lamps and an entertainment center and my grandma and her BF gave me a queen bed and a nite table, as well as a folding table to use until the rest of our furniture gets here. Oh and my brother Chris gave me a faltscreen too.....

The help has been amazing. Albeight hard to take. It's very humbling.

Moving on. {because needing help is a hard thing for me to chew}

Things on the Michael side of things have taken a turn for the worst {or maybe they are for the best?!?!?} Right now it feels like it's for the worst.

 He told me he went on a date.

Yeah.

It's only been a month we've been apart folks. And he said he loves/d me??? Hmmmm. Funny way of showing it. I talked to my amazing friend Dave {my BFF Selena's hubby} and he told me that I cannot be treated like a garbage bag.

Yeah again.

Wow. Michael cannot have his cake and eat it too. He wants to act single and BE single yet have us on the back burner...maybe Im wrong. I mean everything points to us NOT being on the back burner, but OFF the burner completly. Urgh.

My new saying..."it is what it is."

God has a plan and I have to remember that its in His time. Not mine.

The kids are doing good. They seem a lot happier now that we have our own home. Missing Daddy,but thats a given. No job as of yet, but am pursuing 3 leads this week. We'll see how that goes.

Thats a really quick update folks, because basically, Im pooped. Im gonna sit and watch some TV that ISNT cartoon or The Fairly Odd Parents Movie {again}:)

Goodnight all and have a great weekend!

Fun in the sun-- A Reunion (a little late)

So Im sure that everyones been DYING to know just how the heck we are. Things are way slow moving on the job front. Ive applied to probably 20 diferent jobs over the past 2 weeks. Now a days, everyone only takes applications for employment online....which is a big time saver, but a HUGE bump in the road for me.

You all know....Ive been a SAHM {stay at home mom} for the past 8 years....not like I can count that on an application.....But what I lack in "experience" I make up for in Personality and appearence and work ethic. I just need someone to cut me a break and give me the chance to show that that I am a GREAT worker.

*sigh*

The hunt continues. Ive found an apartment that we can move into as soon as I get employment verification.*YAY* It's a beautiful and safe apartment complex right in the heart of the twon I want to be!!!

The kids are slowly adjusting to the split. The boys seem to be handling it better then Hailey, but occasionally Z flairs up with the "I miss Daddy's" too. As for Michael and I, we are being civil for the most part. We dont talk everyday and thats hard for me,but right now its for the best. He is planning a surprise trip down here for Z's (and his} birthday on August 30th! I know the kids will be so so happy and surprised! { and I know I will be glad to see him too}

I had to apply for Food Stamps yesterday. It was one of the most humbling and terryifying experiences I have had so far. I know that it's a good thing right now and I def. do not plan on staying on them forever, but right now, ANY help I get would help us all. I mean I came down here with 600 dollars to my name and 3 kids....Now Im down to 200. Thank goodness for my mom and her boyfriend and the occasional dinner at my dads, or I dont know what I would be doing.....

Anyways, things are slowly working out. God has His plan in HIS time. I need to remember that.

Here's a few pictures from the first week we got back. Hope you like em.

Worlds Most Famous Beach

                            
                 Hailey checking out her shadow!{what?!?!? there wasn't a lot of sun in germany!)

                        
                                Mikey out in the country {by my mom's boyfriends house}

 
                                       ZB on the tire swing

Hailey and Uncle Bryan swimming in the poo; at Bryan and Stephs !st wedding anniversary get-together

Mikey and Zach with their great-grandma {we call her Ding} Her boyfriend owns all the ice cream trucks on the beach, so thats how they all got to go in so I could snap this cool pic!}

My nephew Ian!!!!!! I didnt put him down the whole day. Urghit kils me that they have moved to NC just as I get back! :( Isn't he so fat and handsome!?

 Hailey and her cousin Ian...awww!

Ian again! :) Love the cheesy lil smile!

 Hailey playing peek a boo. awww.

OK all, have a good one and I will catch up soon! <3

Moved to Tears

I just read a post by Madison over at The Shafer Family that complelty made me bust out crying...instantly. This is where I am. I am where she has been. She said a paticular thought that is exactly where I am at to the core of my being... 

I went from a relationship with God that was based on Bible stories to a relationship where I was seeking Him, where I was pursuing Him. One where I wasn't just saying rote prayers, but beseeching Him and truly getting to know Him.

I have always always believed in God. I have even felt him once in my life before. He took over my body. My soul was at peace and I felt at ease. He came to me at one of the darkest moments of mylife and gave me peace. Once is all I need. Sometimes I wish He would come to me that way again, but I know that is a selfish want. I do not need it. I know with all of my heart and soul that God is with me every step of the way through this seperation. Michael and I both need to grow as people. I mean we were 19 when we met.  We were kids! Three months later, I was pregnant and a year later he asked me to marry him.{he waited because he wanted to make sure I KNEW that he was marrying me because he was in love with me and not just because I was pregnant.} We hardly had time to get to really know each other. There have been many times{years ago} where I would threaten to leave. Onetime I actually did. I had our second child {Z} in Florida while we was stationed in WA. I couldn't take it anymore. The lonliness and heartache was just too much. So I left. And didnt return until  Zach was 4 months old.

It's been off and on that way for years. I have never left since then, but have thought about it. {as Im sure he has too}

I have anxiety and depression and low self esteem. Too much of the value that I have as a person is invested in what Michael thinks of me. And lets be honest...it's not to great right now. I know this seperation will make me get back to me. The strong, confident, less anxious, funny,happy girl that I use to be.  I need to know MY value and it cannot be based on what anyone, especially my husband thinks of me. I feel like I have let him crush my spirit. Im a fiesty girl and dont let him get away with his wise hurtful remarks. I have to say it has taken a toll on me to constantly feel like I have to defend myself.My feelings and my beliefs.

He has issues that he needs to work on as well. In my opinion, he is overly confident to the point of cockiness. He is un-emotional .......why go into it all. It doesn't even matter does it. He has issues just as I do. I am, however, very worried that his PTSD is causing him to sprial downward. I know what depression is and what it feels {and looks} like. He refuses to see it. Now my husband is not a strong believer in God. Semi, at best. I try to tellhimabout my experience with God and how He is the only one who can save him {michael} right now. He doesn't believe. And that kills me. Maybe God is showing him through this seperation that he needs to go to God. I can hope pray and believe that is the case.

I talked to Michael's mom yesterday and all I can say is that she put my soul at rest. Is that weird?? Yea, I thought so too. Only God has that power. I was surprised how content I felt after talking to her. I meanmymother-in-law and I have always been pleseant with each other but it'snot until about 3 years ago where I really felt like we clicked. We reached a common level and I grew to love her for who she is and not hw she chooses to live her life. She has the biggest heart I have ever ever seen. That's where my love gets its from. "He gets it from his mama!"

She told me that for Michael to say anything about seperation means that he is drowning and that he knows things arent good between us and that he sees no other way. That he does love me and wants this to work, but that we both need a breather.She told me to stay strong and continue on my way to becoming a RN and that things will work out how they are suppose to. She basically said the same thing that I,Michael and  my mom have been saying. I guess I just took it differently hearing it from her. Hmmmm. I dont know. She also said this:

KIM: "Put Michael aside hunny. Are you happy?"
ME: "No. I am not and I haven't been for a long time."
KIM:"Well Jen.....That in itself is enough of a reason for this seperation. If you arent happy as a person and he isn't happy as a person, they how the hell do yu think you both can make each other happy?"
ME" {dumbfounded...duh duh duh..insert DROOL here!}

It just is right. Doesn't mrean it doesnt hurt and doesnt mean Im not afraid. Cuz let me tell you.....

Im freaking petrified!!!



I haven't worked since 2003. Ive been a stay at home mama ummm FOREVER! Now I am faced with the responcibility of getting a FULLTIME job {not that being a mom isnt, but its different} GOING TO SCHOOL for my RN {somehow} finding good reliable childcare for Hailey and after school care for the boys { and trying to PAY for it} not to mention that little thing called A PLACE to LIVE!! {which isn't free ya know!} Food, gas and cothes for the kids and its just all too much for me to handle.

I like planning. Knowing the how, when, where and why's. I cant plan this and I feel like this is something that needs to be planned. Thank God for myfamily back home. I know I can rely on them and that they will help me and the kids.{ along with Michaels child support} I just dont want to live with anyone. I am almost 30 years old {ahhhhhh} and shouldnt have to be facing living with my mommy again. {not that its bad, my mom and I are BFF's....} But you guys know what I mean.......

Damn I didnt intend to bust all this out right now. LOL.Guess it needed to come out. Hopefully you all are still reading and havent given up thinking that I was going to right a mini novel or something! Bwhahahah!

On top of all this seperation stuff, my back is hurting sooooooooooo bad. I can hardly walk. I have an appt for it to be looked at {again} but this time its with my PCM {not the sub dr. lol} The good side is that Ive lost 5 lbs from being so stressed...and not feeliing like eating tonss like I normally do. LOL.

Michael went to the Dr. yesterday for his feet and she gave him a P3 on both his ankles. This basically means he will be going through the med board process. Its looking like sometimein May we will all be flying to GA and from there I will make the split with the kids to FL. God help us. Help us all through this!

Thanks for reading guys and any, any advice ot thoughts or feelings would be much appreciated....

I feel like there is no way I have 43 followers out there...

{thanks Aubrey and Selena..y'all are my BFF's......}

Till next update......