Saturday, April 16, 2011




1. an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment: {Too much ambition caused him to be disliked by his colleagues.}
          2. the object, state, or result desired or sought after: {The crown was his ambition.}
          3. desire for work or activity; energy: {I awoke feeling tired and utterly lacking in ambition.}
–verb (used with object)

4. to seek after earnestly; aspire to.

Michael and I had words yesterday.No yelling. We're keeping it civil for the kids.....
He told me that one of the reasons why he thinks this seperation is a good idea is because of my lack of ambition. When he said that to me, I immediatley took offense. Ambition? I have tons of ambition. Had he taken the time to actually peel himself away from his xbox games or his endless hours spent playing golf, to ya know, have a conversation with his wife, he would know all about my ambition. He says I don't go out ever. True. I give him that.being here in Germany, I have not gotten my German drivers liscense. I went when we first got here and took the test and failed. I got scared and didnt want to do it again. I haven't. One of his big issues is that he "has to do everything."
Really?? Cuz I was feeling the same way. I just dont understand where he is coming from. Well, I do since we have been here. He does do all the errands. The PO box, the gas, the commissary runs...I get that it takes a toll. But he's excluding the fact that when we were stationed back in Fort Riley,KS and I could drive
he would throw abig ol'tantrum when I would ask to have the car for the day. He'd say " I don't work in one spot Jen. I need to have the van." He denys saying that, but whatever. Like he would come out and say yes Jen you are right....but I digress.
I got off topic ranting there.
I have plenty of them. I hope to be an RN one day. I would love to have my own Photography business on the side also. {it's my passion, ya know} I would love to own my own home also. Aren't those ambitions?
Maybe Im wrong. I think his issues are that those things havent come to fruitation yet. To him I am just a boring,unmotivated housewife. Man, he couldnt be more wrong. He underestimates me soooo much and honestly, it motivates me even more to have success. I mean first and foremost,I just have this inner drive. It's just naturally there. Then, my kids are the ones who motivate me to succeed. I will succeed because I want them to have an excellent example of what hard work, detirmination and dreams can produce. Years ago, I found an ad in the newspaper for Diesel Jeans. Back then I cut it out and gave it to my mom.{she is diesel too ya know} Michael doesn'tknow anything about it, but thats my mom and I's thing.
we are diesel.
The amount of detirmination I have is unbelievable. He is clueless. He's going to give me up without a second thought. He's going to be sorry he ever let me go.
 I told him that he's so quick to jump on me, but what are his ambitions? He hasn't done anything all these years either. He completed a year of college before we were married, so he has one up on me. And yes, he's been to war twice. Other then that though?? A big fat nothing. I don't mean to come off as sounding bitchy, but I can't help it.
He's drowning in PTSD and sucidial thoughts and he won't let me help him. Its like hes going through a mid life crisis early or something. He just wants to be by himself.{and he's doing a remarkable job of it} Even when he's home he's not here. He plugs in to his xbox games for hours and yells at anyone who dares try to talk to him. { kids included} They dont deserve that. They are amazing little souls who just want their daddy. When I try to bring it up to Michael, he gets defensive and turns everything around on me. I get that he's in a bad spot right now emotionally and mentally, but if he is unwilling to accept help from me or anyone then what am I suppose to do?? He looks like he drowning. I swear you can see it on his face. I have been dealing with depression for years now. I know what it feels and looks like. {yes, depression has a look} Ive been on Zoloft for 4 years now. I know how he;s feeling but he just wont let me in.
Ive been seeking got out a lot lately and He has given me a sense of peace throughout this whole process. Its the weirdest thing, but I know that everything is going to work out the way God wants it to. This very situation was already destined to happen when we first met. God knew this was in our fate. For better or for worse, this is where we are suppose to be right now.Ive talked to some of the closest people to Michael and let themknow what I see going on with him. Michael likes to keep up appearences and not let anyone know anythings wrong. Since I am not going to be in GA with him, someone has to know. Someone has to be there to help him or at least keep an eye on him.{and I know they will}
I am very blessed that Michaels family is so amazing. They have been greatly supportive and helpful to me throughout this process. They know I love Michael and have only his best intrest at heart. That means the world to me.
We are taking things day by day right now. Its all we can do until we get back to the States. I will leave you with a quote that Michaels cousin sent to me.
~~~You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.   {isaiah 26:3}

Its a promise that as long as we are thinking of Him and trust Him He will help us be at peace even in the worst of times.
I couldn't agree more.

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