Tuesday, May 11, 2010


                                                           Cranky is an understatment.

This is about my marriage in a not so great way......hey, I need to vent and get advice. I try to not "air my dirty laundry" to you all in Blogland too often, so I think your about due the pleasure!!! ;)

Even though normally my husband and I get along pretty good, I must admit that there is some major work needing to be done on our marriage. Like two days ago, we got into it while I was making dinner. The whole issue we both have is that we BOTH feel unappreciated. I don't really understand how he feels unappreciated. I tell him that I appreciate him and I think I show him he's appreciated by basically being his maid. I cook,clean,do his laundry, clean up after him. Basically its like a 4th kid. I do it out of love and appreciation for him. So he doesn't have to.

He has always always had this attitude that what I do isn't valueable. I feel it's because I don't get paid. I wipe butts and snot and in his eyes, thats not real work. I have told him that yes, his work is more physical, but that doesn't mean it's more demanding then staying home with the kids.(of course his job is when he's at war!) Being a stay at home mom is emotionally draining. Its a fight everyday to remember the person I am.Ya know, not just a mom.

While I am excited to hopefully be getting a job soon (still no word yet other then my resume is being considered for the vacancy) I originally thought that maybe, just maybe that if I got a paying job then I would be good enough for my husband. Its a crushing,devistating kind of feeling to feel not good enough. For a while, I thought for a long, long time that it was my insecurity. I know now that Im not the one with the problem. He says he will help out with the kids and the cleaning once I start working, and I believe him. Well, I did believe him. I know that in the last 7 years of marriage (8years together)he hasn't really done any helping around the house. I do the fixing of things and bringing out the garbage. The "man" jobs. I like using tools and stuff but I shouldn't have to do it all...and if I am expected to, then damn it I want some appreciation for it! Is that too much to ask? Ive given so much to this man and honestly, Im tired. I think he will never see, or care to see my value. Does he even like me as a person? Doubt it. We've had this same.exact.conversation a handful of times throughout our marraige and it always always ends the same way....me mad and him acting like nothing is wrong.

I am writing this because I need advice.I think he should be seeing a doctor. No, really. He has agreed as well on this one. He has anxiety and heart palpulation thingys that are realted o his last deployment to Iraq. While I do feel this past deployment has brought us closer emotionally, I know we have a long long way to go still. Im worried about his upcoming to Afganastan. How much more can he handle before he snaps?

I think the reason he will not go get meds is because he's an NCO and doesn't want to be see as "weak" for needingnhelp. His soldiers look up to him. He's a wonderfuyl leader who truley cares about his men. I have always been here. Dealing with the constant unheavel of our family. Deployments, constant training, trips to the field..you name it. Im the one holding down the fort. Me. Yes, yes, he's fighting for our freedom. I get that. He's in danger.I get that too. Does he get the fact that I will have to be the one to tell our boys that something has happened to theor Daddy?(God forbid) I swear sometimes I feel like I married a kid. Other times, I am soooo in awe of his maturity and strength.

I know every marriage has its issues. This issue is always always always always a reoccuring one in ours.Its sucking the joy and life out of our relationship. Always butting heads. Not enough family time. Quality family time...partly due to the Army and partly due to the butting of the heads.

Where do I go from here? I know I love this man and that I am happy when we are happy. We just need a little tuning.

Anyways, its a gloomy day here (again) in Baumholder. I was tired as soon as I woke up. I think I am going to take a snooze when Hailey takes a snooze. Ahhhh the thought of my nice fluffy featherbed-ridden bed is sounding soooooooo lovely.

Mikey for the first time since he's been at school has asked me to pick him up. This requies me to walk a whole 5 minutes to his school. Awwww! He wants me to go get him. Normally he walks home by himself.(after much begging from him, I agreed) He's been on this big boy kick.This I can do it myself, mom kinda thing. *sigh* My baby is getting old.

Hailey is cutting 3 teeth that I can see...all at one time. The poor thing has been miserable for the last two days. Lucky for me, Zachary is her love. Whenever he's around, her little world iis just better. It's sweet.

Speaking of the devil...Zachary has been a terror for the last two days too. Maybe he's having sympathy pains for his sister and her incoming teeth. Who knows. Either way, Ive had my hands full...well at least according to me (and other moms who can relate!)

Okay, enough rambling. Im going to watch some boob tube!
Any advice would be more then welcomed!


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