So--just a warning. I've been a Sad Sam all day. From the moment my eyes cracked open at 8 a.m. Ive tried to fight it off all day. We had a great time at the BBQ next door. The food Dave made was beyond amazing. Ribs and wings..mmm mmm good. We had potato salad and red beans and rice and for dessert......mmmmmm vanilla cupcakes with chocolate frosting.I had two.
The boys lost their chance to go bowling which worked out well anyways b/c we all hung out inside after we ate and played Wii.....the BEST game system ever. (I know what we're getting when my love gets home)Anyways, it was fun but I still felt sad and alone.
After we got back home, the kids were fighting( still) and all I wanted to do was pick up the house, get school clothes lined up, Mikey's lunch made, baths and bedtime for the kids. I want to run. I need to run out my feelings. Normally I do this by cleaning but for some reason, tonight, cleaning just won't do. I was yelling at them to stop and was wayy short tempered. I immediately stopped in my little tracks as soon as Mikey said this little tiny statement to me.....
" Mom, why are you mad? It's Mothers Day. You're suppose to be happy."
That tiny little sentence just cut me in a way I cant even describe. I dont even remember what I said to him, or how he got up into his room. I wasn't mad so I know I didn't yell at him to go there.....
I collected my thoughts and decided that now might be a good time to go up there and explain to him whats wrong with Mommy.
I headed up.He was sitting on his bed when I walked in. I asked him if I could talk to him for a minute. He, of course, said yes. I sat Indian style( or in his language" criss cross applesauce) on his bed in front of him. I told him that I was sorry that I was being cranky and yelling at him and that it wasn't his fault. I explained to him( between tears rolling down my face) that I was just having a hard time because I was missing Daddy. I told him that usually on Mothers Day Daddy always takes extra good care of me. I explained how he makes me breakfast( well all of us), cleans it up and then takes them to the park to play so that mommy can have some time to herself. I told him that I was just missing Daddy extra today and that I wasn't mad at him or Zachary or Hailey and that my sadness was coming out as anger and that I was wrong.
The poor little boy. Bless his heart. He had this expression on his face that I never , ever thought I would see already.....he understood my feelings completely. He knew how I was feeling because he has felt the same. exact. way.
I hugged him and asked him if he accepted my apology. He, being the most understanding six year old child I have ever met, said yes mommy. I got up to leave and just as I was about to close the door(and go have the same talk with Zachary) Mikey said to me...
"Mom, will you go talk to Zachary about this too?"
Just about made my head spin. Of course I told him and that what I did.
When I told Zachary the shorter version of what I told Mikey, He said to me
"Four( holding up his four little fingers) more till Daddy comes home Mommy. It's OK."
When did my boys grow up before my very eyes??? They are 4 and 6. I cannot believe the things that being in the Army and dealing with deployments is teaching my children. They know we are a family and that family helps each other feel better. Family is love, no matter how far apart we are. They know they can rely on us, both Michael and I but maybe more importantly, they know they can rely on each other.
As soon as I finished my talk with the boys all of my anger went away. They understood my feelings and felt my pain, like I feel theirs. I think its good that they see me cry over missing Daddy once in a while. Nine times out of ten, I have a "pull up your bootstraps" kind of mentality (or a "put on your big girl panties"mentality, as hub would say) Today, I just didn't want to fight it anymore and I feel like in some strange way, tonight I bonded with my boys in a way I never have before.
Maybe that's why I have been feeling this way all day...I am a firm believer in the "everything happens for a reason" phrase. God let this sadness fill me today so that it would come out of me and that we could all learn and grow and maybe, just maybe heal a little from it.
For that I am grateful.
** An Update to the Update.....SO i just got out of the shower after running hard, crying and running, running some more and crying some more(all while running) ,followed by more running......I completed 1.5 miles and I'm all better now....told y'all I needed to run it out! :)**