June 6th

Yes, we have a day that Michael will report to GA. Hopefully thats not breaking any OPSEC rules or anything.....

Im excited.

Michael and I just got back from a counseling session. First time I have ever been to a therapist. Overall, he was very nice. He talked soothingly. {is that even a word??} I expected to do more talking to him,but he did a lot of talking.

I am okay today with the idea of seperating. It will do us both good and allow us to both grow and learn individually.

Thats just a really quick update,Ive gotta clean the house and get lunch going before I get the boys from school.

I PROMISE I will be back soon with a real post.

Till then.........

Ambition

 
Ambition:

–noun

1. an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment: {Too much ambition caused him to be disliked by his colleagues.}

          2. the object, state, or result desired or sought after: {The crown was his ambition.}
         
          3. desire for work or activity; energy: {I awoke feeling tired and utterly lacking in ambition.}
–verb (used with object)

4. to seek after earnestly; aspire to.

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Michael and I had words yesterday.No yelling. We're keeping it civil for the kids.....
He told me that one of the reasons why he thinks this seperation is a good idea is because of my lack of ambition. When he said that to me, I immediatley took offense. Ambition? I have tons of ambition. Had he taken the time to actually peel himself away from his xbox games or his endless hours spent playing golf, to ya know, have a conversation with his wife, he would know all about my ambition. He says I don't go out ever. True. I give him that.being here in Germany, I have not gotten my German drivers liscense. I went when we first got here and took the test and failed. I got scared and didnt want to do it again. I haven't. One of his big issues is that he "has to do everything."
 
Really?? Cuz I was feeling the same way. I just dont understand where he is coming from. Well, I do since we have been here. He does do all the errands. The PO box, the gas, the commissary runs...I get that it takes a toll. But he's excluding the fact that when we were stationed back in Fort Riley,KS and I could drive
he would throw abig ol'tantrum when I would ask to have the car for the day. He'd say " I don't work in one spot Jen. I need to have the van." He denys saying that, but whatever. Like he would come out and say yes Jen you are right....but I digress.
 
I got off topic ranting there.
 
Ambitions
I have plenty of them. I hope to be an RN one day. I would love to have my own Photography business on the side also. {it's my passion, ya know} I would love to own my own home also. Aren't those ambitions?
 
Maybe Im wrong. I think his issues are that those things havent come to fruitation yet. To him I am just a boring,unmotivated housewife. Man, he couldnt be more wrong. He underestimates me soooo much and honestly, it motivates me even more to have success. I mean first and foremost,I just have this inner drive. It's just naturally there. Then, my kids are the ones who motivate me to succeed. I will succeed because I want them to have an excellent example of what hard work, detirmination and dreams can produce. Years ago, I found an ad in the newspaper for Diesel Jeans. Back then I cut it out and gave it to my mom.{she is diesel too ya know} Michael doesn'tknow anything about it, but thats my mom and I's thing.
we are diesel.
 
The amount of detirmination I have is unbelievable. He is clueless. He's going to give me up without a second thought. He's going to be sorry he ever let me go.
 I told him that he's so quick to jump on me, but what are his ambitions? He hasn't done anything all these years either. He completed a year of college before we were married, so he has one up on me. And yes, he's been to war twice. Other then that though?? A big fat nothing. I don't mean to come off as sounding bitchy, but I can't help it.
 
He's drowning in PTSD and sucidial thoughts and he won't let me help him. Its like hes going through a mid life crisis early or something. He just wants to be by himself.{and he's doing a remarkable job of it} Even when he's home he's not here. He plugs in to his xbox games for hours and yells at anyone who dares try to talk to him. { kids included} They dont deserve that. They are amazing little souls who just want their daddy. When I try to bring it up to Michael, he gets defensive and turns everything around on me. I get that he's in a bad spot right now emotionally and mentally, but if he is unwilling to accept help from me or anyone then what am I suppose to do?? He looks like he drowning. I swear you can see it on his face. I have been dealing with depression for years now. I know what it feels and looks like. {yes, depression has a look} Ive been on Zoloft for 4 years now. I know how he;s feeling but he just wont let me in.
 
Ive been seeking got out a lot lately and He has given me a sense of peace throughout this whole process. Its the weirdest thing, but I know that everything is going to work out the way God wants it to. This very situation was already destined to happen when we first met. God knew this was in our fate. For better or for worse, this is where we are suppose to be right now.Ive talked to some of the closest people to Michael and let themknow what I see going on with him. Michael likes to keep up appearences and not let anyone know anythings wrong. Since I am not going to be in GA with him, someone has to know. Someone has to be there to help him or at least keep an eye on him.{and I know they will}
 
I am very blessed that Michaels family is so amazing. They have been greatly supportive and helpful to me throughout this process. They know I love Michael and have only his best intrest at heart. That means the world to me.
 
We are taking things day by day right now. Its all we can do until we get back to the States. I will leave you with a quote that Michaels cousin sent to me.

~~~You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.   {isaiah 26:3}

Its a promise that as long as we are thinking of Him and trust Him He will help us be at peace even in the worst of times.

I couldn't agree more.

Mish Mosh...Pish Paush

Can y'all tell I was struggling with a title!?! LOL. When in doubt, rhyme. Rhyming works wonders. Anyways, it's Wednesday night. The week is near end. Well, tommorrow is my Friday seeing as the last day of school for my Mikey Pie rolls in tomorrow.(and its a half day to boot)

I have a feeling I am in for a long, long haul this summer. The boys have been fighting like cats  and dogs tonight. Zachary has been a butt ( toput it mildly) for like the last week.Not listening at.all. and sassing me back. Then, tonight, I told Mikey to shut off the Tv because he had watched enough and he said no and sat there and blank stared at the Tv like I didn't even talk. He was in time out in the corner for a while after that one.Ugh.

I'm also a fired up because as you all know ( or should  know if you have been reading my blog enough) that my hub for the past month has been guarding the TOC at nights. Well,in the last 60 days, he has literally had 4 days off.I'mnot lying folk. F-O-U-R. Keep in mind that Tuesday was his last day of guard and so we thought he was going to be "home-free" for the last two days.(Friday his company is going on leave for 17 days.)

Well, hub and I couldn't have been more wrong. Today, his SSg. told him that he was going to the field for these last two days. Really? I just fires me up b/c this guy is all nice and polite and considerate seeming when he calls here asking for Michael,but now he seems like an ass. Pardon the french, but we are all grown ups here.....well,most of us are! LOL. He had the power to give my hub these two days off, but he chose to not let him.

Also, a few days agoafter hub got off guard and slept for a few hours, he went to play in a golf tournament with a buddy.Well, apparently some SGT was there that knew Michael's SSg an went and told him that Michael was golfing.

Ummm ya, are you getting this out there in bloggy land???

It was his friggin day off and SSg told my hub"well why should you get a day off when the rest of the company has been in the field busting their As*es off and you have been playing golf."

Yes folks, those were his words.

His exact words.

Now who does this guy think he is? The only way I could see him having any, any right in saying anything about what my husband chooses to do in his leisure time is if for some reason it affected his job performance.
(which as far as I know, it has not.)

So at 11 a.mthis morning, myhub was off to the field for....a day and a half. Seriously ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not. I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried!!!!

Ugh. I have good mind to march my butt  up to battalion and let them have a piece of my mind.
Maybe, just maybe.

Bad leadership is to blame for this one.I feel like he is being penelized for tearing ligaments in his foot.Like he did that on purpose. Pa-lease. He has been dealing with the run-a-round with the Army about his foot for years now.

Whatever. That's all I have to say about that. WHAT. Ever! I know it sounds like I am super cranky,but honestly, I'm not. There's just a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Hmm what else is up here at The McNeil's?

I am potty training my Hailey. She's doing really well.She tells me when she has too "poo" which means pee so far...lol. Sometimes she makes it and sometimes she tells me after she has already gone in her undies. OK, enough poo conversation. I'm even grossing myself out...and it's my own kid. And I don't get grossed out easily.

So enough about us. What's going on in your worlds? Yes, I have been blog browsing and have most likey read about it, but I thought I'd ask anyways. ;)
 Alright bloggy blog friends. My back is hurting from sitting in the freakin chair.....so that's my cue to biz-zounce!

Thanks for stopping by and I will talk to you again real soon!!

ps- my space bar key has been sticking so if you see run on words likethisthen you know why. Sorry! :)


                                                                      AufWeidersehen!

Kiss and Make Up

Yes, thats what we did! I realize I have to start putting his feelings a smidge before mine. Doing so will, hopefully make him put my feelings before his as well. This will in tuen make both of us happy.

Im assuming ( which I know makes an ass out of u and me) that since no one commented on yesterdays post, that no one wants to get in the middle of my marital issues. Understood. I guess Im a weird, cuz when someone posts something on their blog and asks for advice, I will give my advice.

My mom pointed out however that a lot of people try to stay out of personal business. To each is own, I suppose.

So I just wanted to let everyone know that we are good. We talked. I feel better. He feels better. We keep trying.

In other news, I just finished helping the hubs gather up all his TA-50 from storage and hauled it up 6 flights of stairs. He has a layout at 1400. I knew he had a lot of stuff, but man oh man....I swear that pile grows bigger and bigger in the dark! LOL. The stuff fills up six big green duffle bags! WOW!!!

Oh, BIG news! My Mikey has been "recruited" by the Science Club teacher to be in Science Club!!!!! She is going to save him a spot for next year!!! She said he is such a good boy and was sooo excited when he went into her classroom! She has even let him come to the after school meets until the end of the year!(which is June 17th)

He is beyond proud of himself and frankly, so am I!!!! He's going to do amazing at that club! YAY for my Dooders!

Not much else is going on 'round here. Steak and rice and carrots for dinner. MMM MMM MMM!

Mikey has no school Friday, so thats pretty nice. Saturday Im hoping the hubs will drive us out to Ramstein AFB to the two story PX. He leaves again on Sunday morning and will be gone till July 10th. We are in the process of detirmining where we are going to go for hubs block leave.

Options on the table? Italy and Greece. We definitely are going to go to France and Switzerland. Those are way close to us. France and about 2 or 3 hours away from us and Switerzland can't be more then 6 hours away. We want to go somewhere BIG. Far away. Exotic. LOL.(as if living is Europe isn't exotic enough!)

This week we are going over to the travel agent and see what she has to say! Soooo excited about that!!!

Ok, well I hope you all have a lovely lovely Wednesday and thanks for stopping by!

                                                                  AufWeidersehen!

Cranky

                                                           Cranky is an understatment.

                                                                    *Warning*
This is about my marriage in a not so great way......hey, I need to vent and get advice. I try to not "air my dirty laundry" to you all in Blogland too often, so I think your about due the pleasure!!! ;)

Even though normally my husband and I get along pretty good, I must admit that there is some major work needing to be done on our marriage. Like two days ago, we got into it while I was making dinner. The whole issue we both have is that we BOTH feel unappreciated. I don't really understand how he feels unappreciated. I tell him that I appreciate him and I think I show him he's appreciated by basically being his maid. I cook,clean,do his laundry, clean up after him. Basically its like a 4th kid. I do it out of love and appreciation for him. So he doesn't have to.

He has always always had this attitude that what I do isn't valueable. I feel it's because I don't get paid. I wipe butts and snot and in his eyes, thats not real work. I have told him that yes, his work is more physical, but that doesn't mean it's more demanding then staying home with the kids.(of course his job is when he's at war!) Being a stay at home mom is emotionally draining. Its a fight everyday to remember the person I am.Ya know, not just a mom.

While I am excited to hopefully be getting a job soon (still no word yet other then my resume is being considered for the vacancy) I originally thought that maybe, just maybe that if I got a paying job then I would be good enough for my husband. Its a crushing,devistating kind of feeling to feel not good enough. For a while, I thought for a long, long time that it was my insecurity. I know now that Im not the one with the problem. He says he will help out with the kids and the cleaning once I start working, and I believe him. Well, I did believe him. I know that in the last 7 years of marriage (8years together)he hasn't really done any helping around the house. I do the fixing of things and bringing out the garbage. The "man" jobs. I like using tools and stuff but I shouldn't have to do it all...and if I am expected to, then damn it I want some appreciation for it! Is that too much to ask? Ive given so much to this man and honestly, Im tired. I think he will never see, or care to see my value. Does he even like me as a person? Doubt it. We've had this same.exact.conversation a handful of times throughout our marraige and it always always ends the same way....me mad and him acting like nothing is wrong.

I am writing this because I need advice.I think he should be seeing a doctor. No, really. He has agreed as well on this one. He has anxiety and heart palpulation thingys that are realted o his last deployment to Iraq. While I do feel this past deployment has brought us closer emotionally, I know we have a long long way to go still. Im worried about his upcoming to Afganastan. How much more can he handle before he snaps?

I think the reason he will not go get meds is because he's an NCO and doesn't want to be see as "weak" for needingnhelp. His soldiers look up to him. He's a wonderfuyl leader who truley cares about his men. I have always been here. Dealing with the constant unheavel of our family. Deployments, constant training, trips to the field..you name it. Im the one holding down the fort. Me. Yes, yes, he's fighting for our freedom. I get that. He's in danger.I get that too. Does he get the fact that I will have to be the one to tell our boys that something has happened to theor Daddy?(God forbid) I swear sometimes I feel like I married a kid. Other times, I am soooo in awe of his maturity and strength.

I know every marriage has its issues. This issue is always always always always a reoccuring one in ours.Its sucking the joy and life out of our relationship. Always butting heads. Not enough family time. Quality family time...partly due to the Army and partly due to the butting of the heads.

Where do I go from here? I know I love this man and that I am happy when we are happy. We just need a little tuning.

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Anyways, its a gloomy day here (again) in Baumholder. I was tired as soon as I woke up. I think I am going to take a snooze when Hailey takes a snooze. Ahhhh the thought of my nice fluffy featherbed-ridden bed is sounding soooooooo lovely.

Mikey for the first time since he's been at school has asked me to pick him up. This requies me to walk a whole 5 minutes to his school. Awwww! He wants me to go get him. Normally he walks home by himself.(after much begging from him, I agreed) He's been on this big boy kick.This I can do it myself, mom kinda thing. *sigh* My baby is getting old.

Hailey is cutting 3 teeth that I can see...all at one time. The poor thing has been miserable for the last two days. Lucky for me, Zachary is her love. Whenever he's around, her little world iis just better. It's sweet.

Speaking of the devil...Zachary has been a terror for the last two days too. Maybe he's having sympathy pains for his sister and her incoming teeth. Who knows. Either way, Ive had my hands full...well at least according to me (and other moms who can relate!)

Okay, enough rambling. Im going to watch some boob tube!
Any advice would be more then welcomed!

                                                                     AufWeidersehen!