Im A CNA Baby!!!!!

Yes, it's official! As of Saturday, yours truly is a Certified Nursing Assistant!!! I was soooo nervous about taking the State test, but I did GREAT! In 2 weeks I will have a license number but I can work now as long as I show my pass results to an employer.  Yipeeeee! Hopefully this certification will make job hunting a tad bit easier......


School starts in January. Registration is on the 11 of this month..or the 10th??? (guess I better double check!) Im super excited!! In a way, I am really grateful for this separation. Most of it I dont like, but I dont think I would have ever gotten to this point in my head had Michael and I stayed together without taking a break. I was in MOM MODE totally. I didnt know who I was anymore, let alone a wife. I had a big part in the crappy-ness of our marriage as well as Michael did.

We have decide that we will work things out. Divorce is not an option. We both have agreed to try to see each other as allies, not someone who is out to get the other. We both get defensive wayyy too easily and thats when the walls go up and the communication goes down.....

6 weeks and he will be down here visiting again for Xmas. 3-5 MONTHS and he will be out for good! Then he is coming down here and we are going to determine whats going to happen from there.....we both don't want to spend forever in FL (we LOVE fall) so we are exploring our options as to where our forever home may be.

This thing called life is a crazy journey. Im trying to soak in all the learning. Man, its crazy. I look forward to the day when God explains it all.....and it will make perfect sense.

Till next time------------

Things are Looking Up.....

Hello my bloggy friends. Its been a bit and there's so much to share with you. Actually, not really, but I will catch you up to date anyways!

Tomorrow, is teacher meet and greet for Mikey and Zachary at school. They are excited and nervous, but ready to go back. Honestly so am I. I love them like crazy, but mama is readdyy! LOL! Their first day is this Monday, the 22nd. They are all ready to go with school supplies and new school clothes. Yay!

Things are in the works for my photography. Sherri is creating CDs of a slideshow I made of my work and handing them out at her Special Event Conference.{SQUEAL!!} I have created {temporary}business cards that she is so generously going to hand out as well. I am in the process of designing my real business cards and having them printed out. My brother Tim, being the computer genius he is, is going to make me a snazzy professional website.

Yesterday, I spent a good 10 hours writing up a business plan for Meaningful Moments Photography. I need to by the Trademark for it, so no one else can steal my name.....which I just found out someone has bought the DOMAIN name for Meaningful Moments Photography. They aren't listed in the United States Patent and Trademark Office as having registered, so that means I can still by it. That is my next plan of action.

I just cannot believe that this is happening. I am so incredibly grateful to Sherri for taking me under her wing a bit and helping me in the right direction. With all that is going on with my life right now {the seperation from Michael, relocating, being a single mom, and leaving the Army lifestyle that I so love} I put my photography dream on the back burner. It could never go OFF the burner because I have to much passion for it, but it seemed completly out of reach. Now, I feel like maybe just maybe its back on the front burner. Its an indescribable feeling to think that my dream my actually be achievable.

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Things with Michael are still the same. {big surprise, right?!?} Last friday was the last time I talked to him. We had a good conversation. He was in a contemplative mood. At least thats how I took it. The boys wanted to talk to him  Friday night {or Saturday morning?} so I called him and got the voicemail so Mikey told him to call him back and that he loved him......no call back. I called the next day and got voicemail and left him a message saying that the kids wanted to talk to him and that Mikey left him a VM. Still, no call. At this point, I am LIVID! WTF? If it was the other way around and he had the kids, I know I would be calling the at least twice a day and forget about it...if the kids called me, you bet your ass I would be calling them back. He is making me so sad. My heart is broken over the seperation of Michael and I but it continues to break over the hurt that these kids have to be feeling. They miss him and need him and want to talk to their daddy. What did they ever do to deserve this kind of treatment? Nothing, thats what.

I understand Michael has issues going on that is a sickness. He cant help it, but he can try to get help for it.
I feel like he's just so lost in his own mind that he doesn't know what he is doing. His rationality is M.I.A. He is coming down around the 30th to visit. I didnt want him staying here because of a few reasons. One, he refused to help out more, financially.{other then his support he's giving for the kids monthly.} I asked him if he could help with some more money so we can get in here and settled and he told me no. I didnt and still dont really want him here. This is MINE and he doesnt get to come in a act like he's king of this castle. Secondly, I dont want the kids to start thinking that "daddys home.' This visit is going to be a good visit. I know it is. Michael and I will be fine and it will be like we're a happy family again.....but I need Michael to understand that he has to make up his mind. He cannot "play" family and then go back up to GA and date people. He will not have his cake and eat it too.

I dont get any feeling from him that he wants to fix things with me. He repeatdly told me in the beginning of our seperation " I didnt leave the kids Jen, I left you." Ouch.
 I know he loves me no matter what he says. I know he wants us to be a family. I know it. I believe it in my heart that the love is still there. Maybe Im a sucker and I just am feeling what I feel for him, or maybe Im not. I do know that this is going to continue to be a long long road. Right now I am living life for my babies and myself. Im doing things thsat make us happy, and whole and complete without him. I am trying to ween the kids off of calling daddy every time it comes out of their mouth. Its not that I am trying to keep them from him or vice versa, but there are way too many times that they cant talk to him becuase he doesnt answer or call back. Im trying to save their little hearts from being disappointed and let down. Am I doing the wrong thing?
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As far as my CNA stuff goes, I am hoping to take the State test sometime in sept. I am waiting on a letter to go and get my fingerprints done {by the FBI!!!} Once that happens the FBI!!! will tell the State that I am eligible to take the state test. Then the state will mail me a letter with my test date. Im nervous but still excited about it. Im going to move forward with that until I can get in making enough money in Photography to not do it. I mean who knows, maybe I will continue with it and do my photography. Only time will tell.

Ok folks, theres my update. LOL. I hope you all are having a blessed life. Remember, "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger."


Till next time-----

Ducks In A Row

As the title suggest...our ducks are all in a row! Tickets are set, household goods are packing on the 25th and 26th, oyr van is shipping the 31st.....and we are outta this house on June 1st!!!

All day I was on a cleaning kick. I was Magic-eraser-ing all the walls.Man oh man, I'll tell ya....YUCK! I didnt realize just how bad the walls were until I started cleaning them. Dirty nasty little handprints everywhere!!! I went through 2 erasers on the kitchen cabinets and walls and I managed to get 4 out of the 8 walls in our hallway. Then, poof, Magic Eraser isn't so magic anymore. Dont get me wrong.....I LOVE it1 It gets out pen and crayon and even permanent marker.....things a regualr sponge wont touch, but there is one huge downside.
Once you get through cleaning everything like a crazy person, the eraser starts to crumble.

Booo.

I wish the awesome folks over at the lab would make a way for the crumbling to not happen.

---Anyways, I so did not intend do talk that much about the Magic Eraser. :)

Tomorrow is Field Day for Mikey and Zach. I remember last year when we went and it was just Mikey's field day.Now I have 2 boys who get to go! Unbelieveable. Im excited and cant wait to show you some pictures from the {sure to be awesome} day.

As for Michael and I, things are still the same. Civil. Seperate. {with the night time routine of watching a movie in bed together...not touching at all. Have you seen No strings attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natlie Portman?? If not please do! Its great!} It's weird. We love each other. I know it and so does he.....it just seems weird to not touch. No hugs, kisses or backrubs. No more I love you's or calling me baby {unless he "forgets" and calls me it}

It's a bittersweet feeling I tell you. But it's like my mama said to me.

This is a new chapter in our book.....its not the end of the book yet.

Thanks mama. I hope you are right!
Till next time folks!

June 6th

Yes, we have a day that Michael will report to GA. Hopefully thats not breaking any OPSEC rules or anything.....

Im excited.

Michael and I just got back from a counseling session. First time I have ever been to a therapist. Overall, he was very nice. He talked soothingly. {is that even a word??} I expected to do more talking to him,but he did a lot of talking.

I am okay today with the idea of seperating. It will do us both good and allow us to both grow and learn individually.

Thats just a really quick update,Ive gotta clean the house and get lunch going before I get the boys from school.

I PROMISE I will be back soon with a real post.

Till then.........

The Paperwork is IN!

Yup, you all read that title right. The med board paperwork for Michael has been submitted. We should know in {hopefully} a week or so weather it will be a go for him to go to Fort Gordon, GA.

And us to FL.

We could be in FL by May 21. That's like REALLY soon everybody.

Im looking forward to becoming independant yet I am heartbroken and devistated at the same time. Michael said the counslor he is seeing wants to do a marriage counseling session with us, so I agreed. I dont think this is going to change anything and at this point even if he did say he wanted us to stay together, Im pretty sure Id say no. He's right. I need to gain my independance. I want to gain my independance.

I cant deny the fact that Im looking forward to the sun and beach also. Albeight, Im not exactly sure how much time Im going to have to be lounging around.....

My mom is going to look for an apartment for me on Thursday.Its the complex she stayed at when her and my dad first seperated. Ive been to her apartment while she was living there and they are super nice and affordable{thanks to it being subsidized} Its beautiful and more inportantly, safe. She knows the manager well, so hopefully she can pull a few strings and get meand the kids in.
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Zacharys teacher told me today that she thinks it would be a good idea for Z to repeat Kindergarten again. He's not reading-at all and since he is the youngest in the class,she feels his maturity and impulse control inst there yet. Cant say I disagree.I mean if he was born just 1 day later, he would not have been able to enroll this year...one day. Im not too upset about this though. I stayed back in Kinder also because I was shy.{quit laughing....I still am shy to this day} and Michael stayed back in Kinder also but then skipped 7th and 8th grade. It will benefit him greatly I believe.

On a side note, have you every seen the movie The Lazarus Project?
If not, you should. Great movie. {click the link above to see the trailer}

Ok everyone, that was a quick update. I will be back when theres more stuff to share! ;)

Moved to Tears

I just read a post by Madison over at The Shafer Family that complelty made me bust out crying...instantly. This is where I am. I am where she has been. She said a paticular thought that is exactly where I am at to the core of my being... 

I went from a relationship with God that was based on Bible stories to a relationship where I was seeking Him, where I was pursuing Him. One where I wasn't just saying rote prayers, but beseeching Him and truly getting to know Him.

I have always always believed in God. I have even felt him once in my life before. He took over my body. My soul was at peace and I felt at ease. He came to me at one of the darkest moments of mylife and gave me peace. Once is all I need. Sometimes I wish He would come to me that way again, but I know that is a selfish want. I do not need it. I know with all of my heart and soul that God is with me every step of the way through this seperation. Michael and I both need to grow as people. I mean we were 19 when we met.  We were kids! Three months later, I was pregnant and a year later he asked me to marry him.{he waited because he wanted to make sure I KNEW that he was marrying me because he was in love with me and not just because I was pregnant.} We hardly had time to get to really know each other. There have been many times{years ago} where I would threaten to leave. Onetime I actually did. I had our second child {Z} in Florida while we was stationed in WA. I couldn't take it anymore. The lonliness and heartache was just too much. So I left. And didnt return until  Zach was 4 months old.

It's been off and on that way for years. I have never left since then, but have thought about it. {as Im sure he has too}

I have anxiety and depression and low self esteem. Too much of the value that I have as a person is invested in what Michael thinks of me. And lets be honest...it's not to great right now. I know this seperation will make me get back to me. The strong, confident, less anxious, funny,happy girl that I use to be.  I need to know MY value and it cannot be based on what anyone, especially my husband thinks of me. I feel like I have let him crush my spirit. Im a fiesty girl and dont let him get away with his wise hurtful remarks. I have to say it has taken a toll on me to constantly feel like I have to defend myself.My feelings and my beliefs.

He has issues that he needs to work on as well. In my opinion, he is overly confident to the point of cockiness. He is un-emotional .......why go into it all. It doesn't even matter does it. He has issues just as I do. I am, however, very worried that his PTSD is causing him to sprial downward. I know what depression is and what it feels {and looks} like. He refuses to see it. Now my husband is not a strong believer in God. Semi, at best. I try to tellhimabout my experience with God and how He is the only one who can save him {michael} right now. He doesn't believe. And that kills me. Maybe God is showing him through this seperation that he needs to go to God. I can hope pray and believe that is the case.

I talked to Michael's mom yesterday and all I can say is that she put my soul at rest. Is that weird?? Yea, I thought so too. Only God has that power. I was surprised how content I felt after talking to her. I meanmymother-in-law and I have always been pleseant with each other but it'snot until about 3 years ago where I really felt like we clicked. We reached a common level and I grew to love her for who she is and not hw she chooses to live her life. She has the biggest heart I have ever ever seen. That's where my love gets its from. "He gets it from his mama!"

She told me that for Michael to say anything about seperation means that he is drowning and that he knows things arent good between us and that he sees no other way. That he does love me and wants this to work, but that we both need a breather.She told me to stay strong and continue on my way to becoming a RN and that things will work out how they are suppose to. She basically said the same thing that I,Michael and  my mom have been saying. I guess I just took it differently hearing it from her. Hmmmm. I dont know. She also said this:

KIM: "Put Michael aside hunny. Are you happy?"
ME: "No. I am not and I haven't been for a long time."
KIM:"Well Jen.....That in itself is enough of a reason for this seperation. If you arent happy as a person and he isn't happy as a person, they how the hell do yu think you both can make each other happy?"
ME" {dumbfounded...duh duh duh..insert DROOL here!}

It just is right. Doesn't mrean it doesnt hurt and doesnt mean Im not afraid. Cuz let me tell you.....

Im freaking petrified!!!



I haven't worked since 2003. Ive been a stay at home mama ummm FOREVER! Now I am faced with the responcibility of getting a FULLTIME job {not that being a mom isnt, but its different} GOING TO SCHOOL for my RN {somehow} finding good reliable childcare for Hailey and after school care for the boys { and trying to PAY for it} not to mention that little thing called A PLACE to LIVE!! {which isn't free ya know!} Food, gas and cothes for the kids and its just all too much for me to handle.

I like planning. Knowing the how, when, where and why's. I cant plan this and I feel like this is something that needs to be planned. Thank God for myfamily back home. I know I can rely on them and that they will help me and the kids.{ along with Michaels child support} I just dont want to live with anyone. I am almost 30 years old {ahhhhhh} and shouldnt have to be facing living with my mommy again. {not that its bad, my mom and I are BFF's....} But you guys know what I mean.......

Damn I didnt intend to bust all this out right now. LOL.Guess it needed to come out. Hopefully you all are still reading and havent given up thinking that I was going to right a mini novel or something! Bwhahahah!

On top of all this seperation stuff, my back is hurting sooooooooooo bad. I can hardly walk. I have an appt for it to be looked at {again} but this time its with my PCM {not the sub dr. lol} The good side is that Ive lost 5 lbs from being so stressed...and not feeliing like eating tonss like I normally do. LOL.

Michael went to the Dr. yesterday for his feet and she gave him a P3 on both his ankles. This basically means he will be going through the med board process. Its looking like sometimein May we will all be flying to GA and from there I will make the split with the kids to FL. God help us. Help us all through this!

Thanks for reading guys and any, any advice ot thoughts or feelings would be much appreciated....

I feel like there is no way I have 43 followers out there...

{thanks Aubrey and Selena..y'all are my BFF's......}

Till next update...... 

Incompatible

Thats what he say we are. He took his ring off last night.{yet still thinks its ok for us to have sheet time, if you catch my drift.}

Right. In his dreams.

He cannot just rip out my heart, stop on it then pick it back up and give it to me and expect everything to be okay. We are being civil for the kids. We will do all the things that a "normal" seperated husband and wife do.

Holidays, vacations etc. I will have the kids during the school year and he will take them during the summer....we each can go visit the kids when the other has them. It just feels like a dream. A baddd nightmare that I cant wake up from. Part of me sees how he feels that we would be better taking a break for a bit. It would benefit both of us greatly. The other part of me feels like we took vows. Ya know, for better or for worse?!?! Well this is the worse part right here folks. And he's bailing. I feel like we are being adandoned. Throw out. He says he needs no responsibility.

Ummm really. So sorry that we are a hinderance, pal. We just went to the PX here to get the kids some spring shirts. Of course this PX sucks and is way overpriced. So he says lets wait till you get to FL to get the kids tshirts. That way you can go to your consignment {which I do LOVE}

Ohhhhh okay. Awesome plan. We'll just send the boys to school in the 4 tshirts they have and thats fine. Sorry, Im venting.

Im o-v-e-r this drama. I hate the person I morph into whenever Im around him. I dont know if I should even be fighting for him...for us anymore. He's so clearly over it its not even funny. He says he loves and and is still in love with me, but that he needs to go and be by himselffor a while to get back to himself. Ya, but buy a house and have your mom and brother and sister in law and BABY move in. Good way to not make me feel like we're shit.

All I know is that I cant wait to get the fuck outta Germany and back to Fl so I can start to heal myself and these kids...cuz we all know these kids have underlying anxiety that they dont know about. {well, we know about Mikeys. Zach just told me "he's nervous" Great.}

Whatever folks. Whatever. I just dont know what to say anymore.