Tomorrow, is teacher meet and greet for Mikey and Zachary at school. They are excited and nervous, but ready to go back. Honestly so am I. I love them like crazy, but mama is readdyy! LOL! Their first day is this Monday, the 22nd. They are all ready to go with school supplies and new school clothes. Yay!
Things are in the works for my photography. Sherri is creating CDs of a slideshow I made of my work and handing them out at her Special Event Conference.{SQUEAL!!} I have created {temporary}business cards that she is so generously going to hand out as well. I am in the process of designing my real business cards and having them printed out. My brother Tim, being the computer genius he is, is going to make me a snazzy professional website.
Yesterday, I spent a good 10 hours writing up a business plan for Meaningful Moments Photography. I need to by the Trademark for it, so no one else can steal my name.....which I just found out someone has bought the DOMAIN name for Meaningful Moments Photography. They aren't listed in the United States Patent and Trademark Office as having registered, so that means I can still by it. That is my next plan of action.
I just cannot believe that this is happening. I am so incredibly grateful to Sherri for taking me under her wing a bit and helping me in the right direction. With all that is going on with my life right now {the seperation from Michael, relocating, being a single mom, and leaving the Army lifestyle that I so love} I put my photography dream on the back burner. It could never go OFF the burner because I have to much passion for it, but it seemed completly out of reach. Now, I feel like maybe just maybe its back on the front burner. Its an indescribable feeling to think that my dream my actually be achievable.
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Things with Michael are still the same. {big surprise, right?!?} Last friday was the last time I talked to him. We had a good conversation. He was in a contemplative mood. At least thats how I took it. The boys wanted to talk to him Friday night {or Saturday morning?} so I called him and got the voicemail so Mikey told him to call him back and that he loved him......no call back. I called the next day and got voicemail and left him a message saying that the kids wanted to talk to him and that Mikey left him a VM. Still, no call. At this point, I am LIVID! WTF? If it was the other way around and he had the kids, I know I would be calling the at least twice a day and forget about it...if the kids called me, you bet your ass I would be calling them back. He is making me so sad. My heart is broken over the seperation of Michael and I but it continues to break over the hurt that these kids have to be feeling. They miss him and need him and want to talk to their daddy. What did they ever do to deserve this kind of treatment? Nothing, thats what.
I understand Michael has issues going on that is a sickness. He cant help it, but he can try to get help for it.
I feel like he's just so lost in his own mind that he doesn't know what he is doing. His rationality is M.I.A. He is coming down around the 30th to visit. I didnt want him staying here because of a few reasons. One, he refused to help out more, financially.{other then his support he's giving for the kids monthly.} I asked him if he could help with some more money so we can get in here and settled and he told me no. I didnt and still dont really want him here. This is MINE and he doesnt get to come in a act like he's king of this castle. Secondly, I dont want the kids to start thinking that "daddys home.' This visit is going to be a good visit. I know it is. Michael and I will be fine and it will be like we're a happy family again.....but I need Michael to understand that he has to make up his mind. He cannot "play" family and then go back up to GA and date people. He will not have his cake and eat it too.
I dont get any feeling from him that he wants to fix things with me. He repeatdly told me in the beginning of our seperation " I didnt leave the kids Jen, I left you." Ouch.
I know he loves me no matter what he says. I know he wants us to be a family. I know it. I believe it in my heart that the love is still there. Maybe Im a sucker and I just am feeling what I feel for him, or maybe Im not. I do know that this is going to continue to be a long long road. Right now I am living life for my babies and myself. Im doing things thsat make us happy, and whole and complete without him. I am trying to ween the kids off of calling daddy every time it comes out of their mouth. Its not that I am trying to keep them from him or vice versa, but there are way too many times that they cant talk to him becuase he doesnt answer or call back. Im trying to save their little hearts from being disappointed and let down. Am I doing the wrong thing?
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As far as my CNA stuff goes, I am hoping to take the State test sometime in sept. I am waiting on a letter to go and get my fingerprints done {by the FBI!!!} Once that happens the FBI!!! will tell the State that I am eligible to take the state test. Then the state will mail me a letter with my test date. Im nervous but still excited about it. Im going to move forward with that until I can get in making enough money in Photography to not do it. I mean who knows, maybe I will continue with it and do my photography. Only time will tell.
Ok folks, theres my update. LOL. I hope you all are having a blessed life. Remember, "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger."
Till next time-----
